I sagged against him, almost sliding to the floor.
He stroked my face, over and over, like you'd comfort a sick child. He didn't ask what was wrong. None of them did.
Nathaniel knelt beside us. He didn't just look healed, he looked healthy. He was smiling, handsome in a boyish, unfinished sort of way. If you cut the hair and changed the eyes, he looked like he should have been playing halfback on the high-school football team and dating the homecoming princess.
The fact that I'd almost gone down on him two minutes ago brought a rush of heat that made me hide my face against Stephen's shoulder. I did not want to look into that youthful, handsome face and realize how close I'd come to doing him. The fact that I could still remember his body in details that I'd personally never touched, didn't help. Raina was gone, but not forgotten.
I felt movement. The vibrating energy of the shapeshifters was getting closer. I knew without looking that they were crowding around me. The energy tightened like a circle drawing closed. It was hard to breathe.
I felt someone's check brush my face. I moved my head enough to see Kevin inches from me. I'd expected Nathaniel. Teddy's large hands stroked down my bare arms. He brought his hands to his face. "You smell like pack."
Lorraine was on her back staring up at me with eyes gone strange and wolfish. "She smells like Raina." She rolled her face so that her lips brushed the knee of my jeans.
I knew that if I allowed it, we could sleep in one big communal heap like a litter of puppies, that touching was part of what kept the pack together, like the mutual grooming that primates do. Touching, comforting. it didn't have to be sexual. That had been Raina's choice. They were wolves but they were also people and that made them primates. Two animals really, not just one.
Kevin laid his head in my lap, cheek resting on my leg. I couldn't see his eyes, to tell if they'd gone wolf on me. His voice came thick and low. "Now I do need a cigarette."
It made me laugh. Once I started laughing, I couldn't stop. I laughed until tears ran down my face. The werewolves ran their hands up and down me, faces rubbing my bare skin. They were taking my scent, rolling in the lingering scent of Raina. Marking me with their scent.
Stephen kissed my cheek, the way you'd kiss your sister. "Are you all right?" It was hard to remember, but I think he'd asked that before.
I nodded. "Yes." My voice sounded tinny and distant. I realized I was on the edge of shock. Not good.
Stephen shooed the wolves away from me. They moved languorously, as if the energy we'd raised had been some sort of drug, or maybe sex was a better analogy. I didn't know. I wasn't even sure I wanted to know.
"Richard said that Raina wasn't truly gone as long as the pack lived. Is this what he meant?" I asked.
"Yes," Stephen said, "though I've never heard of a non-pack member being able to do what you just did. The spirits of the dead should only be able to enter lukoi."
"Spirits of the dead," I said. "You mean you don't have a fancy name for them?"
"They are munin," Stephen said.
That almost started me laughing again. "Memory, Odin's raven."
He nodded. "Yes."
"What exactly was it, isit? It wasn't a ghost. I know what a ghost feels like."
"You've felt one of them," Stephen said. "It's the best explanation I can give you."
"It's energy," Teddy said. "Energy is neither created nor destroyed. It exists. We have the energy of everyone that has ever been pack."
"You don't mean all lukoi, do you?"
"No," he said, "but from the first member of our pack to now, we have them all."
"Not all," Lorraine said.
He nodded. "Sometimes one of us will be lost to accident and the body cannot be recovered and shared. Then all they were, all their knowledge, their power, is lost to us."
Kevin had gone back to the chair, still sitting on the floor, leaning his shoulders against the chair seat. "Sometimes," he said, "we decide not to feed. It's sort of like excommunication. The pack rejects you in death as in life."
"Why didn't you reject Raina? She was a twisted sadistic bitch."
"It was Richard's choice," Teddy said. "By rejecting her body that last time, he thought it would have angered some of the other pack members who aren't wholeheartedly on his side yet. He was right, but... now we have her inside us."
"She's powerful," Lorraine said, and she shivered. "Powerful enough to possess a lesser wolf."
"Old wives' tales," Kevin said. "She's dead. Her power survives but only when called."
"I didn't call her," I said.
"We might have," Stephen said softly. He lay back on the floor, hands covering his eyes as if it was too horrible to look at.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that we've never seen anyone but Raina do what you just did. I was thinking about her, remembering."
"So was I," Kevin said.
"Yes," Teddy said. He had moved back to the far wall, as if he didn't trust himself near me.
Lorraine had moved back with him, sitting so that their bodies touched lightly. A comforting closeness. "I, too, was thinking about her. Glad she was not here. Happy it was Anita." She hugged her arms as if cold, and Teddy put a muscular arm around her, hugging her close, resting his chin in her hair.
"I wasn't thinking about Raina," Nathaniel said. He crawled towards me.
"Don't touch me," I said.
He rolled onto his back, for all the world like a big pu**y cat wanting its belly rubbed. He stretched, straining from toes to finger tips. He laughed and rolled onto his stomach, propped on his elbows. He looked up at me, long, rich brown hair like a curtain across his face. His lilac eyes stared out at me, feral and almost frightening. He lay down in a pool of hair and energy. His gaze stayed on my face, and I realized he was being playful. Not exactly seductive, but playful. It was different and almost more disturbing. Nathaniel managed to be childlike, catlike, and still be an adult. You didn't know whether to pat him on the head, rub his belly, or kiss him. All three seemed to be up for grabs. It was too confusing for me.
I used the far bed to get to my feet. When I was sure I could walk without falling down, I let go of the bed. I swayed just a touch, but not too bad. I could walk. Great, because I wanted out of here.
"What do you want us to do?" Stephen asked.
"Go to my house. Jean-Claude's there, and Richard was there."
"What about him?" Kevin asked.
Nathaniel raised his head enough to look at us all. He said nothing, asked for nothing, but I could taste his pulse in my mouth. I knew he was scared. Scared to be left alone again. I hoped this empathy with me wasn't permanent. I had quite enough men running around in my head without adding another one.
"Take him with you," I said. "The leopards are mine as you are mine."
"He is to be protected and treated as pack?" Kevin asked.
I rubbed my temples. I was getting a headache. "Yes, yes. I've given him my protection. Any of the leopards that want my protection can have it."
"As our lupa that binds us to protect them," Lorraine said, "even to give our life for them. Will they do the same?"
I wasn't getting a headache, I had one.
Nathaniel rolled to his feet in a movement that was too graceful to be real and almost too quick to see. He sat on the foot of Stephen's bed, watching me with bright, eager eyes. He said, "My body is yours. My life, if you want it, is yours to take." He said it almost matter-of-factly--no, joyously, like it was a good thing.
I stared at him. "I don't want anyone's life, Nathaniel, but if the pack is willing to risk their lives to protect you, I expect you to do the same."
"I will do anything you want," he said. "All you have to do is tell me."
He didn't say, "ask me." He said, "tell me." I'd never heard it phrased quite like that. It implied he didn't have the right to say no. I asked, "Does everyone here know they have the right to argue a point with me? I mean, when I say jump, you don't just say how high, right?"
"We don't," Stephen said. His face was guarded, careful.
"How about you?" I asked, turning to Nathaniel.
He rose to his knees, leaning his upper body out towards me, but with both hands still on the bed railing. He didn't try to touch me, just get closer. "How about me, what?" he asked.