Moments of does he doesn’t he
Can we, could we, should we
Dismiss it, ignore it, pretend
I never had those thoughts
Put the wishes to an end
Live and breathe and move
Find a brand-new groove
Keep going and just be
You and me
Day in day out
You and me
Day in day out
And then like a flash flood
Like a sudden slide of mud
I’m in love with someone else
And you and me aren’t you and me
You’re you
And I’m someone else
You’re not you
And I’m still me
And who are we
Who are we
Where’s the we
We used to be
Discover does he doesn’t he
Has always been does he
Only I never knew
And the moments are too few
Too late
The time is gone
Long ago and long
And my heart is full of someone else
But you’re still you
I’m still me
There’s just no longer any we
Because your heart is full of me
But I’m not that me
Your me
I’m his me
And you want what can’t ever be
But you still look at me
As if all the we and all the what if and all the as if and all the used to be
Could ever add up to
A new you and me
And I don’t want this guilt
I don’t want this guilt
I don’t want you to wish
Don’t want you to keep hoping
Keep holding on and holding out
I want you to find your own someone else
Your own brand-new you and me
Your own fresh lifetime of here we are now
Day in day out
Of talking free
Easy and slow
I wish you could know
How much I miss you
How much I miss
The way we used to be
But god can’t you see
I’m no longer that girl
I’m not your me
I’m not your me.”
I don’t deny the slicing ache in my heart. I accept it. It’s old news at this point. I let her see into me, let her see my hurt and my resignation.
Jerry glances at me, pushes a button, and gestures at me.
“Can I please have just five minutes alone with you, Kylie?” I ask.
She nods, slides off the piano bench. She stops by Oz, whispers in his ear, kisses him quickly. He nods, glances at me. I think he knows. I hope he does. I’m doing this for him, too. The guilt over having almost gotten him killed makes this all that much worse.
Kylie steps out of the recording booth, and I follow her outside, into the sunlight. We stand in an alley, dumpsters to either side of us. I put my back to a wall, wait for Kylie to quit pacing and face me.
“Ben, I don’t even know—”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I cut in over her. “Just listen. I’ve loved you for a long, long time. No, please, Kylie, just listen. You’re with Oz. I lost my chance. I get that. I hate it. It hurts. It f**king cuts me apart every single moment of every single day, is what it does.” I don’t bother to hide my emotions. “It makes me crazy. It should be you and me, not you and him. But I can’t change that. I know that. I really do. And…if I really do love you, then I wouldn’t want to change that. I’m just weak enough that I still do want you for myself, even though I know, I can f**king see that you’re happy with Oz. So good for you. Be happy.”
“Ben—” Her voice breaks.
“No, I’m not done.” I force myself to stay absolutely still, barely even breathing. If I don’t keep going, I’m liable to do something stupid, like try to kiss her to change her mind. “I’m not done. I do want you to be happy. I want you stay happy. And if—fuck—if Oz gives you that, then so be it. I’ll accept that because I have no choice. But I can’t just pretend it’s fine for me. It’s not. It hurts to see you with him. It makes me angry and crazy and jealous, and I don’t know how to stop that. How to change that in me. I can’t. I’ve f**king tried. For months, I’ve tried. It’s not that I keep hoping you’ll change your mind. I know you won’t. It’s that I can’t help wishing. Wanting. And I think…I think no matter how much time passes, that’ll never change. At least, not as long as I’m here around you. Around him.”
“What are you saying, Ben?” Her voice is barely a whisper.
I pace away, running my hand through my freshly shorn hair. It’s close to the scalp all over, easy to maintain in the long days of driving and no showers I’ve got ahead of me. I turn back to her, memorize her features, her perfect strawberry blonde hair, her pale skin, her blue eyes, her body. God. I love her so much, and I’ve never even held her hand.
“I’m saying…I don’t know how to be in love with you and be your friend at the same time. I don’t know how. I don’t think it’s possible. So…I’m choosing to show you I love you the only way I have left.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, breathe deep, and then look up into her eyes. One last time. “I’m leaving, Kylie.”
“Leaving? Where are you going? For how long?”
I shrug, shake my head. “I don’t know…and I don’t know. Anywhere but here, and possibly forever. For as long as it takes for me to get over you. Find someone else, maybe. I don’t know.”
She sniffs. “I don’t want you to go.” Her eyes are wet, but she doesn’t wipe them. “You’re my best friend, Ben.”
I shake my head again. “No, I’m not. I’m your oldest friend.” I point at the doorway into the studio. “He’s your best friend.”
She nods. “So you’re just…running away.”
I growl. “Fucking hell, Kylie. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” I want to punch the wall, kick the dumpster, kiss her senseless. I do none of this. I’m used to wanting her and not letting myself act on it. I’m good at it; I’ve got almost ten years of practice, after all. “I’m not running away. I’m letting you go.”
“But I might never see you again.”
I nod. “Yeah. I mean, I’ll try to come back for Christmas, but…I don’t know where I’ll end up.”
“What about college? You’re leaving Vanderbilt too?”
I nod. “I finished the semester. I haven’t officially withdrawn yet, but I doubt I’ll be back in the fall. I might transfer somewhere else. Or I might try out for the minors or something. I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m just going. I’ve got to get away from you, Kylie. You’re…you’re in me. In my head, in my heart, in my life. But you don’t want me the way I want you, and this city just isn’t big enough. So…so…”