“It bothers me, what he does for a living, Andi. Of course it does, every time he’s out there on the track. He’s all I have, but I can’t stop him from doing what he loves, and I wouldn’t want to. Instead, I make sure that I’m there to keep him as safe as I possibly can.
“Don’t stay away from him because you’re afraid of what might happen. It’s a waste, and I know all about wasting time. Don’t make the mistakes I made in life. Don’t live a life filled with regret. Because regret does ugly, terrible things to people, and I don’t want that for you or my son.”
All I can do is stare at him, stunned.
I’m taking it there’s a lot more to Owen Ryan than I’ll probably ever know.
“Here we go.” My mum comes in with the coffees and puts the tray down on the table.
“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to rush off.” Owen gets to his feet. “I didn’t realize the time.”
“Oh, no problem,” my mum replies. “I’ll see you out.”
I can’t seem to move. I’m frozen in place.
“Oh, Andi…” Stopping, he turns back. “There’s something I want to return to you.” Owen puts his hand in the inside of his suit jacket, pulling out my access pass for the Prix.
I left it behind in Carrick’s hotel room in Singapore.
“How did you get this?” I blink up at Owen. My hand curling around the pass, I take it from him.
“Carrick’s been carrying it around with him since you left. I thought it was time you had it back.”
And I’m left holding the pass, clutched to my chest, as my mum sees Owen Ryan from our home.
IT’S HALF AN HOUR BEFORE THE RACE STARTS.
Thirty minutes before Carrick climbs into his car and pulls out onto the track at the Autódromo.
I’m pacing my living room, wearing a tread in the carpet. I have my Prix pass in my hand, fingers clutching around, while I chew on my thumbnail.
I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night after seeing Owen. My mind has been reeling, bouncing back and forth on what to do.
Do I want to see Carrick? Of course I do. I want to see him more than anything in the world.
But I don’t know if I can give him what he needs, if I can be what he deserves.
That’s what’s still keeping me here instead of me being on my way to São Paulo.
My mum comes into the living room, marching over to me and stopping me in my tracks. “Okay. Enough, Andressa. You need to go see him.”
Eyes lowered, I shake my head. “I don’t think I can.”
“You’re going.”
My eyes shoot up to hers. She’s got this determined look in her eyes that I don’t see very often.
“I’m not standing back and watching you torture yourself. I’ve stood on the sidelines for way too long already, saying nothing, because I didn’t want to interfere, but that’s clearly what I should have done from the start. You need to stop pacing a hole in the living room carpet and go to him.” My mum presses her car keys into my hand. “Take these and drive to São Paulo as fast as you can—but not too fast so that you’re not being safe.”
I let out a watery chuckle as tears fill my eyes. My voice weakens as I say, “I’m…afraid, Mum.”
“Oh, darling.” She takes my face in her hands. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “If only that were true. There’s everything to be afraid of. I just keep thinking, if I could find a way to stop loving him, then it would be so much easier.”
“I don’t think you really mean that. You’re just looking for an easy out, but easy doesn’t come with love. You have to work hard at it, sometimes fight for it.”
I stare into her eyes as I ask her this question, “If you could have turned it off with Dad, stopped loving him in the beginning, would you have?”
“Not for one second,” she answers without hesitation. “I never want to know what life would have been like without loving your father. One thing I do know is that it would have been no life at all.” Removing her hands from my face, she takes my hands in hers. “I heard everything Owen said to you last night—I might have been listening in a little—and he was right. I am so angry with myself right now.”
My eyes widen. “Why?”
“Because it should have been me saying what Owen said last night. I should have seen what was going on with you. You’re always just so strong, so sure of your decisions, so I let you be, but I shouldn’t have. I should have pushed harder for you to talk to me. I knew you were hurting. I just didn’t realize how badly, and I didn’t know that you had left Carrick because you’re afraid that what happened to your father will happen to him.”
At the mention of my dad, tears spill over down my cheeks.
Mum wraps her arms around me, her voice washing over me, “Andressa, every time your father climbed in that car to race, my heart stopped beating until the moment he came back to me safely, and it was that way until the day he didn’t come back. But that doesn’t mean I would take back one single moment of the time I had with him.” She leans back, staring into my face.
“Your father gave me one of the greatest gifts in the world—you. And not just that, he gave me a lifetime of love in the fifteen years that I had with him. I would rather have had that than nothing at all. I regret nothing. It took me a long time to come to terms with losing him, but life happens as it’s meant to. We can’t control it. Just like you can’t control the fact that you love Carrick. Of course you will worry for him—whether you are with him or not. So, wouldn’t it be better to be with him, to make those memories and have a life with him?