Her body filled with warmth at his words. She wanted to fling herself across the table at him and press kisses on his face, but she clenched a hand around her paper napkin and forced herself to stay in place. “But that didn’t stop you from deciding to marry me just to disqualify yourself.”
Loch nodded. “I was selfish. I wanted the best of both worlds, I supposed. I wanted you to stay because I enjoyed being around you. And I wanted to remove myself from consideration from the throne. I thought if I married you and we had a quick wedding, it would solve all my problems. I’d have the ability to go home and it helped that you were delightful to be around. But I wasn’t thinking farther ahead than going home.” His expression grew grim. “That’s on me. I figured that if the marriage only lasted for six months or a year, no big deal. I never thought about how you might feel if our marriage only lasted a heartbeat. Or how you might feel when I decided I wanted to return to Bellissime and never bothered to ask you. Or how you’d feel about being used as a pawn to keep me off the throne. I should have asked.”
“Yes, you should have. I would have said yes, you know.”
He sat back, surprised. “Really?”
“Of course. You plus hot sex plus traveling? What’s the downside to that?” Taylor shrugged. “Do I seem like the type that takes myself so seriously that I would be offended that you’d suggest it? But you didn’t ask, you just used. And that’s the part that bothers me.”
His expression became pained, his eyes haunted. “I know.”
“And you told me you loved me and you lied.” Her voice wobbled. That was the part that hurt the most. “Why even say it if it’s a lie? Why go that far, Loch? That’s the worst.”
“Here’s the thing.” His voice became soft, and his gaze held hers. “At the time, I thought it was a stretch of the truth. I didn’t realize how much you’d come to mean to me until I lost you. Until that elevator shut in my face and I realized I’d let the best thing that ever happen to me walk away.”
All the protests she wanted to make lodged in her throat.
Loch reached across the table to touch her hand. “Say something, Taylor.”
“I just . . .” She sighed. “The first night we got together, it was great. I figured it was a one-night stand and no big deal. We’re not people that mesh. You’re a jock and I’m a computer nerd, and that’s fine. But then we kept coming together and I started to like you, and I always wondered . . . what does this guy see in me, you know? I couldn’t figure it out.”
He frowned and his hand squeezed hers. “You’re not being fair to yourself. You’re beautiful. You’re funny. You’re smart.”
“That’s not it. It’s not a confidence thing, Loch. It doesn’t matter if I’m hot or not. It matters if we’re running in the same circles. To those guys that play computer games and are into comics? I’m a ten in their eyes. To everyone else, I’m probably a five or a six. You? You’re a ten in everyone’s eyes. So I guess it never made sense to me why you wanted to be with me. And then when I saw that text . . . well, everything made sense. And it hurt. It made me feel worthless.”
“I’m sorry.” His thumb stroked her hand. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you feel worthless. That’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted. And if you’re not a ten in everyone’s eyes, then everyone needs to get their eyes checked. I would change absolutely nothing about you.” He thought for a moment, then added, “Well, I might give you better balance.”
A small chuckle escaped her despite herself. His hand on hers felt good. It felt right. And hearing him admit that he’d fucked up made her feel a little better.
His mouth crooked in a wry half grin. Loch’s thumb stroked over her knuckles. “I actually felt like you didn’t want to be with me.”
Taylor blinked. “What? You’re crazy.”
“Am I? You didn’t want to tell your friends that you were with me. You wanted us to pretend we were boss and employee at the convention. Your friend Sigmund had no idea we were dating.”
Oh, hell, she really had messed that up, hadn’t she? Taylor winced. “Yeah, so that’s a little complicated. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to think we were together. It was that . . . well, Sig was emotionally blackmailing me.”
Loch frowned. “I thought you said you guys were just friends and he was just fragile?”
“It went a little further than that.” She told him about Sig’s constant threats to hurt himself, and his attempt at suicide. As she talked, Loch straightened and the expression on his face got angry.
“I can’t believe the little prick was threatening you! I want to wring his fucking neck,” Loch growled. “He got upset because he wanted you for himself. I ought to—”
“Did I mention he was fifteen?”
Loch paused. “He’s what?”
“He’s a kid. He’s fifteen and depressed. I went and visited his mother and him while he was recovering. He’s taking some time off the game and trying to reconnect with the outside world.” She shook her head. Sig’s situation was a bad one, but she felt absurdly . . . pleased that Loch was getting all protective and jealous. “I didn’t want anyone to know that he was emotionally blackmailing me because I thought I could handle it. I thought I could talk him down off the ledge and still take control of the situation. Which was stupid, because the more stuff I tried to ‘handle’ on my own, the less stuff I kept under control. I lost my job and he tried to take his own life.” She shook her head. “It’s been a learning process for me, too.”