My eyes flickered instantly to the clock: 2:07. Giggles and murmurs came up from the crowd as everyone started to move toward the door at once—even the caterers. My jaw gaped open as I looked at Kristen. "Why are you doing this for me?" I asked. "You don't even want me to be with Jax."
She shook her head and took both my hands into hers. "I want you to be happy, Riley. And I know you've been really unhappy for weeks. If that man down there makes you feel better . . ." she said, tilting her head toward the window, "then I'm not going to stand in the way. Hear him out, tell him to go to hell if you need to, and call me if you need anything at all."
My eyes filled with tears. Her friendship meant more to me than I could ever say. "Thanks, Kris," I whispered.
"It's nothing. Now wipe those tears away before he comes up here!" She grabbed her purse and made a beeline for the door.
Dabbing my eyes as I moved through my living room, I looked around. There's no way you can cover this mess up, I realized, looking around as the last guest closed the door behind her.
In a frenzy, I shoved piles of baby presents and marked-up onesies toward one corner before snatching down banners and stuffing them into the pile. I crammed plates into the sink and stopped for a moment to look at myself in the full-length hallway mirror. Shit. My hair was kind of a mess, my dress was rumpled from sitting. The clock read 2:14. Only seven minutes had passed.
And then I heard a knock.
Chapter Twenty-Two
FEARLESS
I walked toward the door, my heart thumping practically out of my chest. Before I could even reach the knob, the door opened inward, revealing Jax, in the flesh, suddenly so close I could catch a hint of his scent.
"I couldn't wait ten minutes," he said, his low voice sending tremors through my body. The raw earthiness of him reminded me of the passionate embraces we'd once shared, and a stab of pain shivered through my body. To see him again, and to know I had lost him, tore my heart in two.
"Jax!" I said, my voice sharp with hurt. "What are you doing here?"
He slung the guitar off his shoulder and rested it on the floor. Without it he suddenly seemed at a loss for words. He took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes before he began to speak. "I had to see you. I didn't know if you'd let me come up, but I had to talk to you."
"Well . . . you're here now," I said dubiously. My heart ached with longing, but I wasn't about to show him any vulnerability. I couldn't—not after what happened last time. It was already too much. "I kind of thought you'd said everything you needed to say."
He flinched. "I did a lot of stupid things when we were together," he said quietly. There was pain behind his eyes as he looked at me, but he didn't break away. "I'm sorry. I know I fucked up. The things I'm about to tell you don't come easy. So I'm going to need you to just listen for a minute. Okay?"
I pressed my lips closed tight, a renewed frustration coiling up in my chest. After the way Jax and I had ended, I wasn't sure what he had left to say. Questions flooded my mind. Didn't it make him crazy when he saw me? Would he hallucinate, or freeze up? Why come here and take the risk?
I gave him a curt nod and stepped aside. He walked slowly into my apartment and stopped, as if not sure if he was welcome any further. Standing there, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he started to speak in a low, strained voice.
"I know this is selfish but I need you. Every day without you is like trying to breathe underwater. I'm drowning, Riley. I know I said it was impossible for us to be together, but . . . I want to give us a chance. Tell me we can make this work."
I stood there, reeling. I'd never expected so much emotion to come at once from Jax. It was a good speech. For some girls, maybe it would have been enough. But not me. I couldn't let him back into my heart, because I couldn't stop thinking about how hard he'd pushed me away.
So I pushed back. "You know, that's what I was about to do, that day at the festival. I was about to tell you we could make it work. And instead of talking to me, you tried to push me away with some silicon-enhanced bimbo."
"I deserve that," he said quietly, looking stung. "I know that was crazy."
"And stupid. And childish."
He nodded, looking ashamed. "I'm sorry, Riley. My mind was racing. All I could think about was what my therapist had said. I felt like a ticking time bomb. I needed something that would make you leave right away. All I wanted was for you to be far enough from me that you weren't caught up in the blast."
I licked my lips, the bitter taste of the memory washing over me as fresh as the day it happened. "Because when I'm around you, you feel worse," I said. "At least, that's what you said then. What's so different now?"
"What's different is that now I'm sure I won't direct those feelings at you. I'm going to work through them and make sure they never hurt you again."
"It's not that easy, Jax," I said, folding my arms in front of my chest. "If we got back together, wouldn't I just keep reminding you of Darrel?"
His nostrils flared, and his chiseled features grew hard. "Of all the things I hate that prick for, the biggest one is that I drove you away because of him. I'm done with having my life controlled by a sick, twisted old man."
My heart leapt at the fire and conviction in his voice, but I couldn't help worrying that he was promising more than he could deliver. "So what, you're all better now?" I asked, desperately trying to keep the skepticism in my voice. "Done with the breaking things, the hallucinations? Just like that?"
He took my chin into his hand, cradling it as he looked into my eyes. Against my will, my heart felt warmed by his touch. "I'm saying that from now on, I'm not taking that pain and anger out on the band, or on you. Darrel hurt me, but I can't let him win. I can't let him control my life forever. I can't let his anger keep hurting us both."
I looked at him closely, surprised at how his words resonated with what I'd been thinking the night before we broke up. It wasn't like him to talk so much about emotions, or Darrel. "Are you still going to therapy?"
"I am," he said, the words spilling out quickly. "And will be for a long time. It doesn't get better overnight. I'm just getting better at directing my anger in therapy, not at everyone around me."
I swallowed. Did I trust Jax enough to give him another chance? Kristen was right, my heart yearned to take him back—I'd been fighting my longing for him for weeks. But my mind knew there were still a hundred things that could go wrong. "It's a big risk," I said quietly. "For you as much as for me."