He tugged at her and she sagged in his embrace, shy, open, giving. He could take all she had, and she’d let him wring her dry. But he wouldn’t—couldn’t—take. He would never harm her …
But haven’t you already? Aren’t you harming her now?
Yes, he was. But for tonight the harm had already been done. And for tonight, he’d pretend there was a tomorrow, that this was the first night of the rest of their lives together.
He rose above her as she lay quivering beside him, her heat singeing him, her eyes luminous, ready and—ya Ullah—so trusting.
He turned her to her side, worshipped her in strokes that encompassed the perfection and uniqueness of her in wonder and frustration and regret. Then he wrapped himself around her and again felt he’d been created for just this purpose, this privilege, to shelter her, share with her.
“Malek.” She moaned his name on a hot tremolo as she drove back against him, nestling into his body and being. And though he’d never felt such agony, with body and soul in the throes of a damaging arousal, she gave him something else he never thought to have. Peace. Profound and permeating.
He homed in on it, shutting out the uproar of voracity. Once it was all he felt, he plunged into it, sank.
The first thing Jay knew the moment she opened her eyes was that Malek was no longer around her.
She sat up in bed, her heart hammering, rattling her. Then she heard it. The shower.
He was still here.
She collapsed back with the reprieve. She’d have a little longer of him, even if it was only minutes.
The sun was trickling between the blackout curtains. They’d gone to bed at sunset, and she’d spent hours just feeling Malek all around her, absorbing his reality. She’d dreaded falling asleep and missing one breath, one heartbeat. But sleep had overcome her. She’d drowned in nightmares, in the agony of never getting the chance to say goodbye.
But he was still there. And she was no longer the same. The time of peace and intimacy in his arms had transfigured her.
This was the end, but he’d given her this. And it had been priceless, unrepeatable, something to power her through life.
The bathroom door opened and he stepped out, fresh, fully dressed and heart-wrenching. Longing and shyness almost stopped her heart as his heavy-lidded gaze raked disturbed, disturbing emotions over her. And she realized …
He didn’t know how to say goodbye.
She just had to make it easier for him.
She rose to her feet, approached him when he stood there, staring at her. “Sabah el khair ya Malek. You look well rested.”
His jaw clenched. “Janaan—we need to talk.”
She groped for lightness, smiled. “That sounds ominous.”
He clenched his fists, unclenched them. Then he spread his shoulders, stood straighter, almost formal. “Since your trip to Damhoor, and signing up with GAO were on the spur of the moment, you’re unaware of many basic facts about the land. And about the specifics of the mission you’ve signed up for. I don’t believe you know I am the mission’s leader. I should have mentioned it.”
Her heart did stop this time. Then it stumbled in a cacophony of shock and elation. This meant—this meant she’d have two whole months with him. Sixty more days!
She took a delighted step towards him. “Oh, Malek, that’s fantastic! We’ll be working together again …”
He took a step back, making her stumble to a halt. “No, we won’t. I am not clearing you to join the mission.”
CHAPTER NINE
MALEK WATCHED HIS words hitting Janaan like that flashflood had the disaster areas.
Seeing her eyes losing their animation, filling with incomprehension before the blow registered, was almost enough to make him retract them, forget all his resolutions. Almost.
“why?”
He gritted his teeth against her pain, delivered the answer he’d been rehearsing since he’d woken up. “It’s for the best.”
She lowered her eyes, visibly struggling to keep the sudden tears that had filled them from falling. “I see.”
Did she? He found himself struggling with the urge to rave and rant, trying to justify his decision, begging her to approve it, to exonerate him, to understand it was for her best.
“You don’t want a woman like me on a mission you’re leading. I know how men of your culture view easy women, and you no doubt think me that, think I’d be a liability.”
That was what she saw? “Janaan …”
She raised eyes glittering with hurt and determination. “I admit it was only due to your restraint that nothing happened between us. But if you’re afraid I think you’ve given me a green light to pursue you, that I’ll make any sort of demand, you’re gravely mistaken. I’m here to get to know the other side of my heritage while joining an effort I always wished to join. Once it’s over, I’ll leave this country, where I’m clearly not welcome.”
Malek would have been amazed at her resolve if he wasn’t going crazy with fury at her conclusions.
She thought he believed her easy for offering him a night of unparalleled, unrepeatable solace? When he’d never known such contentment, such greed for more, for everything, with another human being? When he’d been blown away by her generosity, her guilelessness, her trust, by her fervent desire to lift his burdens and by how she truly had just by being near, even when he couldn’t bring himself to share them with her? Though they hadn’t made love, their night together had been his life’s first true intimacy. He wanted more, would never stop wanting it.
And that was exactly why he had to send her away.
If she stayed within reach, he’d reach out for her. And she’d reach back. And she’d get hurt.
He was tempted to let her believe her version of the matter so she’d go. He couldn’t. He owed her the truth. At least some semblance of it to explain why he was refusing her clearance.
“Janaan, every word you just uttered is pure insanity. There’s no one like you. And I want you. I want you, Janaan. And that makes it unethical of me to include you on a mission where I’m not only your leader but your host and sponsor, too. It would be abusing my power, taking advantage of my position. Of you.”
She gave a little laugh, a cornered, incredulous sound. “The concept of abusing your power doesn’t even apply. You’re not my employer. I’m a volunteer, if you haven’t noticed. I’m here offering all I can offer of my own free will, for free.”