Her baby girl let out a snuffle and a cry and Penny immediately turned her brain back to matters at hand.
“It’s okay, Riley,” she soothed as she changed her daughter’s T-shirt. “I know you miss your daddy, but it’ll get easier, I promise.”
Lies. Why did parents always lie to their children? It wasn’t going to get easier. It would never be easy living without Colt. The twins were lucky, she supposed; they were too young to carry this memory with them. She knew that Colt would come back for the kids. That he would visit them and remain a part of their lives. But it was just a shadow of what they might have had together.
“I never should have told him,” Robert said from the open doorway of the kids’ room. “I’m really sorry, Pen. I thought he’d do the right thing.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she said and tugged a clean shirt over Riley’s head. The baby girl laughed and clapped her chubby hands in appreciation. Penny glanced at her brother. “Colt had the right to know about the twins and now he does. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“Sure. It’s no problem at all that he’s gone, is it?”
“Nope. Life marches on, or something equally as clichéd and profound.” Penny told herself she should probably worry. She was getting entirely too good at the whole lying thing. Scooping her daughter up for a hug, Penny held the baby tightly, then turned to face Robert, who was watching her with an all-too-knowing gaze.
“It never would have worked,” she said, because she’d been telling herself that since the afternoon before when she’d practically tossed Colt out of her house. But she hadn’t had a choice, right? He as much as told her that he wouldn’t love her. Told her he couldn’t be depended on. So what else could she have done?
“We’re too different. He takes too many risks and I—”
“Don’t take any?” Robert finished for her.
Irritated, she said, “Now you sound like Colt.”
“Not surprising. It’s pretty obvious, Pen.” He moved farther into the room, plucked Riley out of her arms and held his niece close. “Dad did a real number on you when he left. You think I was too young to notice, but I wasn’t. I watched how hard you worked to pick up the slack.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she used the tips of her fingers to wipe them away. Those years had been terrifying, but satisfying, too. She’d discovered that fear didn’t have to hold you back. She’d found her passion for photography. She’d seen Robert get a full scholarship to college—and then she’d met Colt and it had felt, for a while, as if she had finally found some magic for herself.
But that dream had ended and a new one, she assured herself, had begun. In the middle of all this pain and misery, she had to remember that she wasn’t alone. She had her children. She had Robert and Maria. And one day, maybe that would all seem like enough.
When the ache for Colt finally faded.
“I saw how badly Dad leaving hurt you. You kind of closed yourself off, Penny. To everyone but me.”
Her gaze snapped to his and she felt a flush rise up and stain her cheeks. Maybe she had, she silently conceded. But she’d opened herself up to Colt eighteen months ago. She had taken a risk with her heart and she’d lost.
“But I saw you with Colt and you were happier than I’ve ever known you to be. Plus,” he added, after kissing the top of Riley’s head, “I know he cares about you so I hoped...”
Penny’s heart twisted in her chest. She’d hoped, too. In spite of everything, she had hoped. Now she missed Colt so much. It was infinitely harder to lose him now than it had been eighteen months ago. Seeing him walk out the door, not knowing if he’d ever walk back in. Knowing that her kids would be cheated out of a day-to-day relationship with their father. That the man she loved was more interested in waiting to die than he was in living with her. It was all so hard.
“I appreciate that,” she said when she was sure her voice wouldn’t break. Reaching out, she smoothed Riley’s wispy hair and straightened the tiny pink bow lying tilted on the side of her head. “But it’s over now and I just have to learn to live with the reality.”
Robert put his arm around her and she gratefully went into a warm hug meant to comfort and soothe. Riley patted her face as if the baby girl knew her mommy needed the extra attention. In the living room, she could hear Reid laughing with Maria and in spite of the giant hole in her heart, Penny smiled. And she would keep smiling, for the sake of her kids if nothing else.
“If he comes back, what will you do?”
“He won’t.” Even her hopes weren’t strong enough to convince her of that.
“He came back once,” Robert reminded her. “And it wasn’t just for the kids. You didn’t see his face when I told him you were in the hospital. He cares, Penny. A lot more than he knows, I think. So yeah. He might come back again if he thought you were willing to take a chance.”
How could she open herself up to trusting Colt? She had taken that leap of faith once and he’d walked away from her and their newborn marriage. If she risked it again, she wouldn’t be the only one to suffer. She would be putting her children’s hearts on the line, too, and she didn’t know if she could do that.
“No, Robert,” she said firmly, trying to convince not only her brother, but herself. The sooner she accepted the hard truth, the sooner she could start dealing with the pain that was already swamping her. She wished things were different, but wishing wasn’t going to change a thing. “He’s not coming back. Not this time.”
But if he ever did, she would gladly take that risk again.
* * *
Colt’s heart felt like a stone, cold and hard in his chest.
It was as though he’d been emptied out. He’d spilled his darkest secrets and shame and Penny had dismissed it all. For some damn reason, he’d expected her at least to understand what it cost him to go.
But she hadn’t.
Her words were still ringing in Colt’s ears two days later. He tried to pretend she hadn’t been right but how could he? He lived his life with one foot out the door at all times. More than three weeks in one place and the walls started closing in on him. He had been in constant motion for ten years. Never staying put. Never settling down. Most important, never allowing anyone to depend on him for anything.
Now it killed him to know that Penny refused to depend on him.