“Damn it, Icare about you!” He took another step forward and she lifted her gaze to his. Her eyes were pale blue. No passion. No anger. No dark, churning emotion changing that color to a deep-sea blue. There was only regret shining in her eyes and Jackson felt as if he were standing on a slippery slope, skidding relentlessly downhill toward an abyss he couldn’t avoid.
His chest tightened and everything in him went hard and still. He felt as if he were fighting for his life. Why couldn’t she just take what he had to offer her? A life with him and their kids? He cared more for Casey than he had ever allowed himself to care for anyone. Why couldn’t it be enough?
He grabbed her shoulders, pulled her to him with a yank and folded his arms around her. She stood still for him, but she didn’t wrap her arms round his waist. Didn’t yield her body to his. Didn’t lean into him. She was simplythere.
“Caring isn’t loving, Jackson,” she whispered against his chest, her voice muffled so that he barely heard her words. “I deserve more.”
“It’s all I’ve got to give,” he said.
“I know,” she told him. “That’s the saddest part about this.”
He let her go then and his arms felt empty without her.He felt empty, damn it, and there was no reason for it. All she had to do was accept his proposal and they’d be fine. They’d have everything.
Why couldn’t she see that?
When she walked past him, headed for the hallway, he called out and she stopped. “Where are you going?”
She turned her head to look back at him. “Upstairs. I’m tired and I need some time alone.”
When she was gone and the only sound in the living room was the hiss and crackle of the fire in the hearth, Jackson thought that “alone” was overrated.
Early the next morning, Casey sat in the dining room, Mia tucked into her high chair, cheerfully mashing banana slices in her tiny fists. While watching her daughter have breakfast, Casey drank tea and wished for caffeine.
Laying alone in her bed had felt so strange. She was used to Jackson’s touch, his heavy sigh as he settled into sleep. The drape of his arm over her middle as he pulled her up close. She’d come to rely on having him there beside her and now that he wasn’t—she was lost.
Mia squealed, lifted both banana-covered hands and kicked at her high chair. Without even turning around, Casey knew that Jackson had come into the room. No one but he ever got that kind of reception from his daughter.
“Good morning.” His deep voice rumbled through the room and seemed to reverberate around her. Instantly, Casey’s heartbeat quickened and she felt a slow build of heat swirling inside her. God, would she always feel this way about him? Was she destined to spend the rest of her life in love with a man who only “cared” for her?
Steeling herself, she nodded. “Morning, Jackson.”
“Sleep well?” he asked.
“No, you?”
“Great.”
Disgusted, she shot him a look as he came around the table, bent down to kiss Mia and slid his gaze to hers. Instantly, she felt better. He was lying. There were shadows under his eyes that were every bit as dark as her own. Somehow, she enjoyed knowing his night had been long and miserable, too.
Sunlight slanted through the windows. Mia cooed and gurgled. And still Casey and Jackson stared at each other, each waiting for the other to speak first. Finally, Jackson did.
Pouring himself a cup of coffee from the carafe on the table, he said, “Last night you told me you needed some time to yourself.”
All the alone time in the world wasn’t going to solve the problems facing her. But she had to think. And being around Jackson was not conducive to thought. “I still do.”
“Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about.” He paused for a sip of coffee. “You know I’m shorthanded at the airfield.” She nodded. “Well, I’ve decided I’m going to take one of the flights myself. Give us both a little breathing room for a few days.”
“A few days?” Strange, she’d wanted alone time, but hearing him say he was leaving wasn’t making her happy. Apparently she wanted alone time with him nearby. God, she was a mess.
“Yeah,” he said softly, “I’m heading to Paris this afternoon. I’m flying a couple over there, then I’ll stay and take care of some business.”
“Paris?” He was leaving. For days. The ache of loneliness settled in, but she told herself it was probably for the best. She wanted him to love her as much as he did their children. And the fact that he didn’t made her feelings too raw and painful for her to be around him.
His voice dropped and Casey looked up into his dark eyes as he added, “As I recall, I once promised you a trip to Rome.”
That night in the hall, she thought. The first night in this house with him, when they’d set the path they’d followed ever since. The night she’d discovered that her body could erupt in flames and she could survive to tell the tale.
“I remember.” But fantasies and great—amazing—sex didn’t take the place of love. He wanted her, she could see it in his eyes. But want was a poor substitute for need. So it was good he was leaving, she told herself.
He set his coffee down onto the table, leaned both hands on it and speared her gaze with his. “Say the word and I’ll stay. Marry me and we’ll take that trip to Rome.”
“I can’t.”
He pushed up from the table and she didn’t know if he was disappointed or annoyed. Probably both. “Fine then. Do all the thinking you want while I’m gone,” Jackson said. “When I get home, we’ll settle this.” Then he bent to kiss the top of Mia’s head. When he straightened up, he looked right at Casey again. “When I get home.”
Jackson came home early. He’d rousted his co-pilot out of bed, fired up the jet and set a new personal record for flight speed on the trip back to California. How the hell could he be expected to take care of business in Paris when his head was full of Casey? He’d tried, damn it. He’d wandered the streets of Paris, visited old haunts and never did find the enjoyment he usually experienced when he was wandering the world.
None of it mattered.
Nothingmattered, because he felt like his heart had been scooped out of his chest. She hadn’t even answered the damn phone when he’d called. She was avoiding him and he’d had enough. Now it was the middle of the night and he didn’t care if she was sound asleep. She wasgoing to listen to him. She wasgoing to marry him. And they weregoing to be happy, damn it.