“It all started when we couldn’t get tickets to see the Blue Man Group.”
“Why couldn’t you get tickets?”
“Are you going to let me tell you, or do you have to control absolutely everything?”
“Ouch.” I relaxed back into the corner of the sofa, eating the rest of my sandwich and nodding for her to continue.
She said, “What they don’t tell you with these coupons is that there are blackout dates, and some of these shows are really expensive, even with the coupon. My friend Twyla knew a girl at the Rio, though, so we took three different buses and got lost a bunch of times, and we ended up going to see the Chippendales.”
“Oh! Those are the male strippers who wear the bow ties? I think I see where this is going. All that dancing around while the ladies screamed for more made you go crazy. You called up your ex in a moment of weakness.”
“Close.” She nodded her head toward me and raised her eyebrows suggestively.
“Fuck me. Your ex is a Chippendale?”
“Ten points for Peaches.”
“Did you know he was a dancer? Or was it… like, he comes out from behind the curtains, all oiled up, wearing his little cowboy boots, and he looks familiar, but you don’t realize until he’s giving you a lap dance?”
“He was dressed as a construction worker, and I was so embarrassed about being dragged up on stage that I couldn’t even look the guy in the eyes. I didn’t know it was him until I had my hands on his butt. I thought I was having déjà vu, because his butt felt so familiar, but then I looked up, and we were looking into each other’s eyes.”
“That is insane!”
“He said fate must have brought us together so we could say a proper goodbye. We dated back in high school, then tried to make it work long distance when he went off to work on the oil rigs, but we broke up over the phone.”
She stared off at nothing, at the spot on the wall where someone who was a better decorator than Keith would have hung up some art.
“And that’s why you cheated on Keith,” I said.
“I’m not saying I shouldn’t have done what I did, but Keith and I were taking some time apart. We’d been fighting constantly, and his sister Katy was living here, and the three of us kept getting into these strange power struggles.”
“Because Katy is a Level Ten Bitch-monster.”
Tabitha laughed guiltily. “She’s my best friend, but I know what she’s like.”
“Wait. You and Keith were broken up when you went to Las Vegas?”
“We weren’t exactly together. I’d moved back home with my parents. Katy wanted me to move back in to the apartment with her and Keith, but I still had some hard feelings about things he’d said to me.”
“I see.” I nodded. “Let me see your underwear.”
“What?”
“I just want to know if you were coming over here to talk to him, or seduce him.”
“Just to talk, I swear.”
I reached over and flipped up the hem of her skirt. She pushed it back down and slapped my hand.
What happened next was kind of a blur. Let’s just say I did some things I’m not very proud of, but things that needed to be done. I don’t appreciate being lied to, and it was in Keith’s best interests that I found out if Tabitha was planning to seduce him, which meant determining whether or not she was wearing slutty, ridiculous underwear, with matching bra and panties.
What Keith saw when he came out of his bedroom to investigate the ruckus wasn’t pretty. I was pinning down Tabitha on the couch, my head up under her top, yelling, “I knew it! I knew it!”
He tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Tag.”
I pulled my head out from under Tabitha’s shirt and whipped around to face him. “What? Tag?”
He was grinning, looking his usual sexy self in just a pair of shorts. “Yeah. Tag. I guess we’re doing this threesome thing here?” He laughed, very clearly making a joke and not at all serious. “Kind of rude of you two to start without me.”
“Hilarious.” I crossed my arms.
Tabitha had already jumped up and was heading for the door. “You two are both nuts,” she said. “I came over to apologize to you, Keith, but I can see you’re having way more fun without me these days.” She opened the door. “Have a nice life.” She left and slammed the door behind her.
Keith turned to me. “I can’t believe I was going to ask her to marry me.”
I steadied myself, not reacting to this revelation. “You could do better,” I said.
He frowned my way. “What were you doing to her, exactly?”
“Market research for my brand. Just wanted to see what kind of underwear she likes.”
“Worn-out gray sports bras and granny panties.”
Ah. Theory confirmed.
“Grilled cheese?” I jumped up and went to the kitchen.
“I really should eat something with more protein, since I just worked out. I’ve got some turkey breast in the freezer.”
He joined me in the small kitchen area and bumped me out of the way with his hip. He got a foil package from the freezer, opened it up, and pulled out thick slices of roasted turkey breast.
I moved aside and watched as he grilled the turkey to thaw it, then put the turkey inside the cheese sandwich I’d started.
“Not bad,” he said after the first bite.
“Smells like Hot Pockets.”
“I’ve never had one of those.”
“They aren’t bad, but stay away from the one with the broccoli because it tastes like Satan’s bunghole.”
“Good to know.” He took a seat at the kitchen counter on one of the stools, eating and watching me clean up.
“I prefer the Philly Cheese Steak flavor. All of them are improved by a sour cream dip, of course.”
He grinned. “Of course.”
I ran some hot water into the sink. “Tabitha’s really skinny.” He didn’t respond to this statement of fact. “I suppose dating her is less of a hazard to your career than dating me.”
“I can eat a little cheese now and then, Peaches. I am an adult.”
“You never told me that you and she were on a break when she allegedly ripped your heart out and ran it over.”
“There are plenty of things I didn’t tell you, like how we had an accidental pregnancy and miscarriage in January, and she shut me out. She spent all her time with Katy, and I was the awkward third wheel roommate.”